What You Need to Know About Rebuilding Your Relationship After
Affiliated COUNSELING AND REFERRAL SERVICE
DR. Michael Shery, clinical
2615 Three Oaks Rd,
Cary, Illinois 60013
|“Since 1976, state-of-the-art counseling which treats the problem, not just the
Doctoral degree: University of Southern California,
Referrals accepted from Alexian Brothers, Good
Shepherd, Centegra, Loyola, Northwestern University, University of Chicago and the Mayo
Clinic hospitals and physicians.
Expert Evaluations for:
Anxiety - Depression -Marriage
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Questions? Call Dr Mike NOW:
847 275 8236 (24
What You Need to Know About Rebuilding Your Relationship After
Making your marriage work after you or your partner has had an affair, is possible. However, it requires
patience, endurance, faith and lots of time. You have to be up to it.
Unfortunately, we are bombarded with temptation every day, thinking we can sneak some illicit intimacy, feelings of
sexual satisfaction or sense of power without ever getting caught. After all, life and marriage, over time, can be
quite mundane and fraught with all kinds of tedium and frustration.
Nothing seems to refresh more than the exhilarating feelings that come from the glistening, fascinating and
tempting experience of novelty, attraction and passion. We are now saturated in excitement, with none of the usual
wrangles, frustrations and tedium to endure.
Whether male or female, people crave the feelings of passion and affirmation that comes from a new relationship. A
sense of counterfeit intimacy develops as each person discusses problems in their committed "stale bread"
New affirmation and passion magnifies the apparent charms of the new person which often leads to marital
infidelity. And since women can use birth control, often work outside the home, have the option of using abortion
and are socialized into a society recognizing their Independence and self-determination, infidelity is much more
available than ever before.
Also, it is not condemned with the ferocity with which it was earlier. Since it has become a much more common
phenomena, women and men often discuss it with their friends, as if they were talking about the latest fashion
trends or football trades.
However, if you love your spouse, despite his or her dalliances, rebuilding your relationship after infidelity can
be a slow, effortful project and has potential only if both partners are committed to it. So what should you do to
rebuild your relationship after it has been tainted with infidelity?
It is a possible but burdensome challenge. Why? Because relationships are based on trust, and when that trust is
broken by engaging in a sexual, or otherwise intimate relationship, with someone else, high anxiety,
hyper-vigilance and suspicion will predominate for some time.
Moreover, infidelity is always accompanied by deception which is a hard thing for a betrayed spouse to accept,
particularly if she never imagined such a thing could be possible with her beloved. Also, betrayal and broken trust
can take years to mend.
It makes it all the more difficult when you have to re-structure your feelings and expectations about your partners
supposed commitment, love, sincerity and trustworthiness which you may have admired all these years. It is
important to note that infidelity will have changed you both forever.
The memory will never go away, but if you both succeed at rebuilding your relationship, its sting will gradually
What can you do to rebuild your marriage after infidelity?
1. Communicate empathically
It is important to have a 'lets begin again' attitude but the causes of the infidelity must be addressed, as
should the deep hurt the betrayed has sustained that will likely remain for many years. Why did your spouse cheat
What was he looking for? Does he accept full and complete responsibility for his betrayal, as he should? What is he
prepared to do about his character flaws?
If you fail to discuss them, they will likely remain and that enhances the chance that there will be more
relationship problems later. So discuss these issues with each other. If doing so become acrimonious, do it in
2. Work towards rebuilding trust
Holding on to suspicion and hyper-vigilance can be very stressful exercise. Is it possible for you to
commit to trusting your partner, as before, as best you can?
After all, you are hoping that your relationship will return to its pre-infidelity status. So try, as best you can,
to trust your spouse as you did in its pre-infidelity phase?
3. Respect and honor your partners trust
If you are the betrayed partner, your spouse should demonstrate respect for your forgiving nature and
not take it for granted. Your adulterous partner must appreciate that you are truly a person deserving of the
utmost love and respect.
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Dr. Mike Shery is a
licensed clinical psychologist and is affiliated
with almost all health plans, including:
ValueOptions, Medicare, Cigna, Coventry, Cigna Behavioral Health, United Health Care,
Aetna-Allied, First Health, Healthstar, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois, ComPsych, Magellan
Health, Meridian, HFN, Tricare, Humana, most union local plans, most school district plans,
Unicare, ChoiceCare, CAPP, Multiplan, Mental Health Network, Managed Health Network, United
Behavioral Health, PPONext, Private Health Care Systems, Humana-Military and Beech Street
He has practiced
clinical psychology for approximately 30 years and is board certified as a specialist in professional counseling by the International Academy of Behavioral
Medicine, Counseling and Psychotherapy. He is the director of Affiliated Counseling and
Referral Services and is a member of the American
The office is located
in Cary, IL and in select cases phone consultations are available for those who don’t live
locally> Telephone Counseling.
To make an
appointment> New Patient Registration or to learn more about the psychological services
he provides call him at 1-847-275-8236 (24